December 16, 2013

What 6 Christmas Songs Got Wrong

After Thanksgiving, a birthday party last week, another birthday party this week and Christmas coming up next week, I am officially overwhelmed. It'd take more time than I have to explain what yet needs to be done and if you're like me, you're probably overwhelmed and don't have the time nor inclination to read it all anyway.

But even with an overflowing plate, I still love the Christmas season -- from setting up the Christmas tree that we got two weeks ago and decorated only yesterday, to lighting bayberry scented candles, to every Rankin & Bass Christmas Special, and the music.

Oh, the music. Songs have a way of putting you in the Christmas spirit, warming your heart and next thing you know, you're hugging a stranger in the elevator. Okay, um...maybe that's just me.

But alas, all songs are not created equal; and the following Christmas songs inspire and awaken anything but peace on earth and goodwill to men.

1. Christmas Shoes: This song makes my hair hurt.
How are we not supposed to be creeped out by a kid's quest for money to buy new shoes for his terminally ill mom because I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight.
And then the sad, creepy story is tied up in a "that's what Christmas is all about" bow.
Really? Christmas is all about begging for money? And shoes? And death?
I guess Matthew, Mark, Luke and John left those parts out.

2. Little Drummer Boy: Melodious enough, but...
I remember ushering my daughter into this world. The doc told me it'd be just a few more pushes and "oh by the way, do you mind if these interns observe the final few pushes?" I unsquinted my eyes to see about fifty bright and shiny twenty-somethings in the doorway peering intently past the stirrups at my lady parts. I cared, but I was in no position (literally and figuratively) to care.
That's why I'm not buying the Mary smiled at me part.
No Little Drummer Boy, she wasn't smiling at you. You were banging on a drum. In a barn. With animals. Where she had just had delivered a baby. Without an epidural. Did I mention the barn and animals part? Mary was just too tired to say "Little boy how did you get in here; and Joseph, why are you letting this kid continue his rum-pum-pum-pumming when it's keeping me awake."

3. Feliz Navidad: This gem causes involuntary muscle tics.
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.
Don't just wanna do it Jose. Please, for the love of Pete, stop wanna-ing to do it. Go ahead, dive in and just wish it already! And I'm a little slow here, so wish me in Spanish or wish me in English, but not both because my mind can't work that quickly.

4. Wonderful Christmastime: The Facebook humble brag of songs.
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime!
Sir Paul McCartney's Christmastime is so wonderful, he just can't help flaunting it in the faces of everyone, including those whose mood isn't up or who isn't here tonight.
Well, you know what Sir Paul: you're a bazillionaire, you're a Beatle, Her Royal Majesty -- Her Royal Majesty for heaven's sake -- has knighted you. If you aren't having a wonderful Christmastime, then there's something wrong with you.
Just enjoy it already and put lid on the saccharine for a second or two or three or four. Or more.

5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: What you don't want kids to learn about operating in this world.
Yes, kids if you're different, count on getting incessantly teased and excluded. Unless...just unless you've got something that people (or reindeer and Santa) want. Then you'll be invited to save the day by the very people (or reindeer and Santa) who discriminated against you to begin with.
Once you stuff down your feelings and swallow trauma so you can save the day, you'll be invited to play games, and everyone will love you.
So kids, if you're getting picked on, just remember: acceptance and love is just a catastrophe away.

6. We Need A Little Christmas
We need a little Christmas right this very minute!
Not this very minute, we don't. I've got a week of things to do and two days in which to do it.

Which is exactly why this post is ending here.

So, whatever songs you love or find cringe-worthy, I hope this will be a very Merry Christmas for you and the ones you love.
The tree we've had for two weeks and
decorated only yesterday


By the way, if you're feeling overwhelmed because things aren't going along as planned, read this post from Red's Wrap. I guarantee that it'll give you a new perspective.


21 comments:

  1. Hilarious, Rochelle. You've ruined Rudolph for me, but it was worth it!

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    1. Thanks Greg...and you don't wanna get me started on "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..."

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  2. This is priceless. Loved how you tore down the little drummer boy. Eyup - right on. :)

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    1. Total and complete proof that a woman did NOT pen that song, Julie. :)

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  3. and if you're brave enough, add Silent Night to the list... OH please! lowing cattle?, all is calm?, no crying he makes? - in what universe does this really happen? It's a birth in a stable, without modern medical care - there was crying, blood, screaming and mayhem!

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    1. Yes, yes and YES!

      ...and dare I add perhaps some chosen words for the husband who didn't plan ahead so the birth could happen in a hospital? Oy vey.

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  4. Great post! I heard that song Christmas Shoes once and was horribly depressed by the end of the song. Great way to induce the holiday spirit!

    This list and more is why I have a very select collection of Christmas music that I listen to.

    Thanks for the giggle. :)

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    1. Thank YOU for reading, Darcia...
      *...and I'm still giggling too*

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  5. Great fun! Have shared to FB and G+. Merry Christmas all!

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    1. Awesome! Thanks J.E., hope you have a Merry Christmas too...and without songs that make your hair hurt. ;)

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  6. Sir Paul can bite me and I love the tree! Better late then never. So funny!!!!

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    1. "Sir Paul can bite me..." Now THAT'S funny!

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  7. Best summation of Rudolph I've ever heard!! Loved this. And shared it. Thanks.

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    1. Poor, poor traumatized Rudolph...;)

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Jessica.

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  8. What a hoot! I've never heard Christmas Shoes, but it sounds like a song only slightly more tacky than "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" - at least that song knew it was a joke.

    Thanks for the laugh, Rochelle! Much appreciated! :)

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    1. HAH!
      Rick, Christmas Shoes are only slightly more tacky than "Grandma..." because they're SERIOUS. It's a real keeper. Said no one. Ever.

      Thanks for reading, Rick; and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours. :)

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    2. I've heard another new, bad one, as I commented over at Facebook - "Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" - a horribly bad country porn soundtrack of my childhood Christmas experiences where *both* would get drunk and fight. Still as funny as it was last year, Rochelle :-)

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  9. Thanks Rochelle for giving me a good laugh too. It's so funny how we just sing those songs without even thinking. Hey isn't that how Hitler did what he did? I must say I find it hard to really enjoy all the hoopla that comes with Christmas. When I think of the few who experienced Jesus birth in comparison to the many who witness his death I have to wonder what are we missing in all the trimmings we add to Christmas. I do love though how much we try to be together as a family during the holidays. The season makes us think about family, togetherness, giving and loving. Something we should spread out through the years. Good post...thanks for the information and thanks for the time you took to bring it to us.

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    1. Wait, I forgot to add my favorite Christmas song, Rocking Around The Christmas song. It just makes me want to dance, not even a spiritual dance, just dance.

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    2. Oh Betty, you speak too much truth that doesn't need me expounding on it. Let's just say we're in agreement when it comes to digging through the trimmings and additives to Christmas and finding the Real Meaning.

      ...and about Rocking Around the Christmas tree...well, now that you mentioned it...guess it's a toe-tapper for me too.

      Thanks for reading and commenting...and a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. :)

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  10. Thankfully I've been too sick with a cold to notice much about Christmas song. Sleep's been a great friend. The Nyquil works wonders..Merry Christmas as you bop to 'Rocking Around the Christmas Tree....LOL

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